An introduction to parenting so that everybody wins

An introduction to nurturing children's autonomy

There has probably never been a caring parent anywhere in the world who did not consider it important to do the best possible for their children, but agreing on what is best is another matter. I want to suggest that the best is that children can and should have their own way. Madness, impossible, dangerous, a crack pot utopian idea? I believe that far from producing spoiled brats who will exhaust you with their demands, rob you of any life of your own and then want more, helping your children to get what they want in life will also mean that you the parent will fulfil your preferences too. You can all live together well when you are living by consent.

 

What parent hasn't longed to improve his or her relationship with children? What parent hasn't thought to herself 'Surely, there must be a better way than this', but felt defeated and trapped by old ways of relating? That's what living by consent and nurturing children's autonomy is about. It's not magic; relationships are demanding, complex things, but imagine that all of the energy you've ever used on fighting your children, cajoling your children, begging your children, coercing your children, even hurting your children could go instead into finding solutions with them; solutions that they want, solutions that you want; solutions in which everyone is a winner. Unbelievable? No, merely reasoning and resourceful. In place of compulsion we can find mutual solutions with children, i.e. win-win situations that respect and nurture the autonomy of children. In a world of self-surrender, martyrdom and enforced distress, the idea is as extraordinary as it is practical: we can get what we want, parents and children; we can all win and learn from doing so.Consent-based parenting encourages us to ask the previously unasked questions, to take apart thoughts that have seemed to be obvious or common sense so that we can overcome the obstacles to living in families where everyone wins.

 

Living by consent is a positive, resourceful, rational, autonomy respecting paradigm for finding solutions to the issues we face everyday. The more we practice finding mutual solutions the more resourceful we become and the more ideas we have fr finding the next mutual solutions. How is it possible to live family life without compromise? How can we always have win-win situations? How can responsible parents let go of the notion that issues of safety require parental law enforcement? First, we have to think that it is possible. Secondly we need to think carefully about certain assumptions and shift our ideas in lots of areas that are too often seen as 'common sense' parenting. There is no dogma and no blueprints for every circumstance, but rather attitudes for a new lifestyle.

 

Compulsion has to be dropped a parenting tool; forcing certain behavious when other wishes are in a child's mind har thinkig and relationships. That doesn't mean that parents can never get a thing done, simply that the problem needs a consent based mutual solution. In place of force we can use reason and so can our children. We can also use our resourcefulness; our ability to brainstorm, problem solve, change our minds and evolve new ideas. Of course we wn't always get things right; we are limited, but we can always be engaged in the process of getting better, optimistically questioning assumptions and searchng for solutions by a process of conjecture and refutation until we arrive at a solution that everyone involved genuinely prefers - not a compromise, but a win-win outcome that suits all the participants. The goal of living by consent is to constantly improve our lives together; no compulsion for the children, no life of self-surrender and martyrdom for the parents, but rather new ideas created mutually to everyone's satisfaction.

 

Does it sound unrealistic? Does it sound too time consuming? We've lived this way in a family of six for the last eight years and it gets better all the time - more and more realistic the further we go - no more time consuming than fighting and forcing and so much more rewarding and satisfying! It's a parenting theory, but it is also about how we learn and, as a result, our lives constantly improve for the better; we've all - adults and children - benefited enormously from constantly challenging one another to be increasingly autonomy respecting in our family relationships.

 

© Jan Fortune-Wood October 2002.